What to Say (and What Absolutely Not to Say) to a Transgender Person

Let's get one thing out of the way before we start. I'm not writing this because transgender people are fragile. We're not. Most of us have navigated situations that would make your average HR manager spontaneously combust, and we've done it while dealing with something that is, let's be honest, one of the most profound and difficult things a human being can go through.

Transitioning takes courage, resilience and a level of self-knowledge that most people never have to find. It also, and I say this with complete sincerity and a certain amount of irony, takes balls. So fragile we are not.

We can handle a clumsy question.

I'm writing this because most people who say the wrong thing genuinely didn't know it was the wrong thing. And that's actually fine. Ignorance is fixable. It's the people who know and say it anyway that are the problem — and they're not reading a blog like this, are they.

So if you're here, you're already one of the good ones. Let's make you a slightly more informed good one.

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The Things That Are Fine to Say

"What are your pronouns?"

Honestly? Gold star. You'd be surprised how many people tie themselves in knots over this when it's one of the simplest, most respectful things you can ask anyone. It takes about four seconds and it matters enormously. Ask it the same way you'd ask someone how they take their coffee — casually, without making it A Whole Moment.

"I got that wrong — sorry, I'll get it right."

Mistakes happen. If you accidentally use the wrong name or pronouns, a quick, genuine correction and moving on is genuinely the ideal response. What nobody needs is three minutes of elaborate apology that the trans person now has to comfort you through. Correct - continue - done.

Literally just... normal conversation.

Ask about their weekend. Moan about the weather. Disagree about whether a particular film was any good. The best thing you can do for a trans person in your life, nine times out of ten, is treat them exactly like a human being with opinions and a sense of humour, because that's what they are.

The Things That Are Decidedly Not Fine to Say

"But what's your real name?"

It's their name. The one they told you. That is the real one. The name they no longer use is called a "deadname" for a reason — it belongs to a version of themselves they've left behind and digging it out is about as welcome as someone leafing through your old MySpace photos and asking why you looked like that. We all had an era. Leave it there.

"You're so brave."

This one is well-intentioned and still lands badly. Trans people aren't brave for existing. They're just living their lives. Calling someone brave for being themselves implies that there's something courageous required simply to be who they are — which, while true given the challenges trans people face, before - during - after making the decision to transition, it isn't what most of us want to hear over a cup of tea. Save "brave" for people running into burning buildings.

Anything involving the word "biological."

As in: "But biologically you're a..." No. Stop there. This sentence has nowhere good to go. Whatever point you're trying to make, there's a near-certain chance it's either medically oversimplified, socially unnecessary or just unkind. This one can stay in your head.

"Have you had the operation?"

I cannot stress this enough: you would not ask a colleague you'd known for six months about their genitals in any other context. A trans person's body and what they have or haven't chosen to do with it medically is their business entirely. If they want you to know, they'll tell you. The surgery question — always asked with that conspiratorial lowered voice, as if the answer determines some final classification — is not appropriate. Not ever.

"You don't look trans."

This is intended as a compliment. It isn't. It implies there's something undesirable about looking trans, which is a problem for reasons I hope are fairly obvious. It also suggests the person was trying to pass some kind of test, which they weren't. They were just being themselves.

"I knew something was different about you."

Ah yes. The retrospective detective work. Nobody asked for this. Nobody wants it.

"When did you decide to become trans?"

I didn’t just wake up aged fifty five and think “oh this will be a laugh” - Trans people don't decide to become trans any more than you decided to become whatever you are. The decision — if there is one — is whether to live authentically or continue pretending otherwise. One of those options is significantly harder than the other and takes considerably more courage. See opening paragraph.

"How do you have sex?"

I’d be inclined to answer “fabulously darling”. But on a serious note, you wouldn’t ask a cis person this question so why would someone think it’s okay to ask a trans one.

"Are you trans?"

If someone hasn't told you, that's your answer. People share what they want to share, if and when they're ready or want to share it. Putting someone on the spot to confirm or deny something about their identity — in front of colleagues, in a social setting or frankly anywhere — isn't curiosity. It's an ambush. It also smacks of “I can see you don’t quite pass”

"Are you a drag queen?"

“Err, no” (resist the urge to slap them across the face) Well — possibly, some people are both, but that's not the point. Drag is a performance art. Being transgender is an identity. Conflating the two suggests a level of research roughly equivalent to having once glanced at a headline. They are not the same thing.

"Can I feel your breasts?"

No.

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The Grey Area: Curiosity

Here's where I'll be straight with you: curiosity about trans experiences isn't inherently bad. Some trans people — myself included — are happy to talk about our journeys. In some cases we do it for a living. Education and conversations matter.

But there's a difference between genuine curiosity and using a trans person as your personal explainer service. Before you ask, ask yourself: is this question about understanding and connection or is it about satisfying your own intrigue? Is this person your friend or have you essentially just cornered a stranger and decided their identity is now your topic of interest?

If you're not sure, err on the side of Google. The internet has a remarkable amount of information and none of it will feel put on the spot on the subject of what to say (and what absolutely not to say) to a Transgender Person.

The Bit That Actually Matters

Most trans people aren't looking for perfection from the people around them. We're looking for effort. For goodwill. For someone who gets something wrong and actually wants to do better, rather than someone who gets defensive when gently corrected.

The questions above? They're not traps. They're just the accumulated experience of a community that's had to explain itself rather a lot and would quite like it if that became slightly less exhausting.

So ask the pronouns question. Skip the surgery question. Treat us like people.

Genuinely — that's most of it.

I am a D&I consultant, keynote speaker, Mental Health First Aider, writer and transgender woman with 20+ years of senior corporate leadership experience. I work with businesses across all sectors to build genuinely inclusive cultures whilst also supporting transgender individuals and their families through every stage of the journey. If this piece resonated, you can find more articles on andreaking.net  or  book a free discovery call if you'd like to talk.

The views expressed in this article are my own and are based on personal experience and perspective. They are not intended as medical, legal or professional advice.

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Additional Supporting Research - What to Say (and What Absolutely Not to Say) to a Transgender Person

Healthline’s guidance on talking to transgender and nonbinary people also emphasizes respecting pronouns, avoiding deadnaming, and thinking before speaking. It reinforces the idea that polite, ordinary conversation is usually better than curiosity-driven questions about bodies, surgery or identity history. https://www.healthline.com/health/how-to-be-human-language-around-transgender

Other public-facing resources make the same point in more direct language: avoid comments that single out someone’s trans identity, avoid “real”/“normal” comparisons, and never ask intrusive questions about medical history or genitals. These examples are useful because they show the kinds of phrases that can feel careless or harmful in real conversation. https://www.autostraddle.com/how-to-talk-to-a-transperson-76785/

PINKMANTARAY lists common harmful phrases like "You don't LOOK trans!", "REAL name?" and surgery questions as invasive. It stresses treating trans people like anyone else—skip body talk and birth assignment curiosity for normal conversation. https://www.pinkmantaray.com/resources/dontsay

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Frequently Asked Questions

What is the best first question to ask a transgender person?

"What are your pronouns?" is a simple, respectful place to start.

What should I do if I use the wrong name or pronouns?

Correct yourself quickly, apologise briefly if needed, and move on.

Is it okay to ask personal questions about transition?

Only if the person has clearly invited that conversation. Otherwise, it can feel invasive.

What should I never ask a transgender person?

Questions about genitals, surgery, or "real" names are generally not appropriate.

How can I be a better ally?

Listen, ask respectfully when appropriate, and be willing to learn without getting defensive.

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